Mustache Monday: Joseph Furst

Joseph Furst, famous for shouting, “Nothing in the world can shtop me now!” in Doctor Who: The Underwater Menace.

Joseph Furst, probably not famous for this mustache.

This mustache is neither as ostentatious or as just plain weird as some of the mustaches we have seen in our day. In fact, it’s pretty standard, as mustache styles go. The thing that saves this mustache from the bin of unmemorable mustaches is its masterful execution. It’s symmetrical, it’s even, it’s not too large. It even matches his eyebrows well, which can be hard to do. Though it doesn’t attempt to stun or amaze by elaborate curls or exaggerated length, this mustache is pretty impressive for its general neatness. Even insane dictators intent on blowing up the planet have their priorities, apparently.

Joseph Furst, the 14th contender in our quest to find a man with a perfect mustache. Let’s see how he ranked:

Size: 2/5

Symmetry: 4/5

Originality: 0/5

Overall: 6/15

Sorry, Joseph, you’re not first today! Nothing in the world can stop you now, except mediocre facial hair.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

"Something arrests your attention, Jeeves? A spot on my nose, perhaps?"

"No, sir, on your upper lip. I thought for a moment that a caterpillar had lost its bearings."

Mustache Monday: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, famous for his character Sherlock Holmes.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, famous for looking mustache-y.

If we didn't know any better, we'd cast Doyle as the lead villain in some melodrama. We mean, look at that mustache! You just expect him to start twirling it as he sneeringly outlines his devious plans for closing the orphans' home and plowing under the flower beds. The manner in which it slopes down to his lip then juts out from either side is just improbable. We have to wonder why he did not deduce that this was not a good look for him when he looked in the mirror each morning. He should have spent less time seance-ing and more time shaving, in our opinion.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the 13th man in A Study in 'Staches. Let's see how he ranked:

Size: 3/5

Style: 1/5

Originality: 2/5

Overall: 6/15

We're fairly sure Inspector Lestrade could solve a case unaided in less time than it would take Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to shave this thing off his face. And that's rarely a good thing.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

"Got your next heist planned?"

"No, but I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist."

-Firefly

Mustache Monday: John Waters

Oh gosh. Here we go.

John Waters, famous for his mustache.

John Waters, also famous for directing movies such as Roman Candles, Cry Baby, and the original Hairspray.

My goodness, where to begin? We believe this picture should be in the dictionary next to the word "creeper." If stalking had a face, this would be it. This is the face that tells you you're about to be killed. To be fair, what's a guy to do when society fails to appreciate the God-given beauty of lips? Make them look. Waters was apparently born before the age of botox, and chose a different method of highlighting his luscious lips. Instead of inflating them to balloon size, he decided to outline them with a pencil-thin line. Maybe Waters was hoping Hairspray was actually a brand of Spray-On Hair, and made the movie looking for sponsors because he clearly isn't growing enough of it on his own.

John Waters, the 12th gentleman in our pursuit for the perfect 'stache. Let's see how he did:

Size: 0/5
Style: 0/5
Originality: 2/5
Overall: 2/15

Clearly not a winner. Just, no.

Cheers,
Becca and Kelley

John Waters, self proclaiming his creepiness by playing a cameo role of the Flasher in the new Hairspray. No, we're not kidding. 

Mustache Monday: Orlando Bloom

Orlando Bloom, famous for his roles in trilogies of movies like Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean. Also, Elizabethtown. J

Orlando Bloom, less known for his scruffy ‘stache.

We applaud Bloom for the control he exhibits over his mustache, especially over our last few candidates who have let their ‘staches run amuck. Minimalism is making a comeback, y’all. Don’t miss the train. Now, we think Orlando could follow in Paul Grotelueschen’s footsteps and get some colored wax for his mustache so that it would match the color of his hair. As it stands, it looks a bit like Bloom used his buccaneering bow and arrow (Are we mixing up his characters? Oh well.) to sequester another man’s mustache, glue it on his face, and claim it as his own.  He must have been so entranced by the beauty of it that he forgot to check for color compatibility. As great as the shape and style may be, you just can’t get away with ‘stache stealing!

Orlando Bloom, our 11^th man seeking title of best mustache. Let’s see how he ranked:

Size: 1/5

Style: 5/5

Originality: 1/5

Overall: 7/15

Orlando, although we love your fearsome facial hair, we cannot let our bias show through. The numbers don’t lie.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

We can see the headline now: Stylish ‘stache stealer serves sentence of seven sequential seasons.

Mustache Monday: Fuel Answerman

Mike Profetto, famous for being Vice Pres. of something for a big company.

Mike Profetto...let's be honest, is there any doubt of what else he's famous for?

So this chap is known as the Fuel Answerman, presumably because he answers questions about fuel. We just wish he'd answer a few questions on a different topic.

1. What were you thinking when you began growing this facial hair?
2. What are you thinking every morning when you look in the mirror and decide NOT to shave it off?
3. Why is the mustache a markedly different color than the...rest of it?
4. Do people actually take you seriously?

Likely we'll never know the answers to these pressing questions, and that is the third greatest tragedy in mustache history. The second greatest is, of course, that these questions must be asked in the first place.

Mike Profetto, the 10th man in our quest to find a decent mustache. Let's see how he ranked:

Size: 5/5

Style: 0/5

Originality: 3/5

Overall: 8/15

If you know the proper term or a funny descriptor for those white things on his face, please post it in the comments.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

Becca: "Was he caught in a wind tunnel?"

Mustache Monday: This Random Guy

This one is a bit of an enigma. We don't know his name, so we're going to call him Roger.

Roger, probably famous for nothing more than his mustache.

Roger, obviously famous for his mustache.

Since we don't really know who this chap is, we can only speculate about his astonishing facial hair. First off, that's an impressive mustache, but although this is mustache Monday, and not facial hair Friday, we can't stop at just his upper lip. We beg you to observe his sideburns and his his beard, all of which coordinate nicely with the curls off his mustache. We're going to guess that he grew and styled this shrubbery to impress his niece, because there is no way he has children of his own with a face like that. Alternatively, he was attempting to secure the coveted position of playing the Mayor of the Munchkins in The Wizard of Oz at the time this photo was taken. We would have voted for him.

Roger, the ninth man in our quest to in find a man with a decent mustache. Let's see how he ranked:

Size: 5/5

Originality: 4/5

Style: 2/5

Overall: 11/15

Although this is not the most attractive mustache we have reviewed, we are overcome by its sheer scope and grandeur. Well done, Roger.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

Becca: "Call him Autonomous Anonymous!"

Kelley: "I am NOT writing that six times in the post!"

*Bonus points to anyone who gets the Monty Python references.

Mustache Monday: Charlie Chaplin

Charlie Chaplin, supah dupah famous for being funny.

Charlie Chaplin, also known to occasionally channel his funny-ness into his mustache.


We get it, the guy was funny, and so his mustache is given some allowance to be funny too. However, it looks like he took a sharpie and drew it in thinking it would make him seem grown up and dignified...the effect is quite the opposite. Granted, he plays a parodied role of Hitler in the Great Dictator, and might have taken a cue from him for that particular movie, but last we checked it wasn't a wise idea to imitate Hitler, even if only in style choice. Clearly his work followed him home. If we must be positive, we can say this: at least it balances out his caterpillar eyebrows. Maybe he had a unibrow and decided the excess hair could be put to better use above his lip. Whatever the reasoning behind it, we applaud you for making us laugh, Mr. Chaplin.

Charlie Chaplin, the eighth man in our quest to find a decent mustache. Let's see how he ranked:

Size: 2/5
Originality: 1/5
Style: 1/5
Overall: 4/15

Oh Charlie, your mustache is anything but charming.

Also, Becca once dressed up like Charlie Chaplin, and there's a picture to prove it. Enjoy!

Cheers,
Becca and Kelley

"I would hang around to chat, but I mustache." 

Mustache Monday: John Axford

Hello, dear readers! We’re back! Life in general, in combination with a deadly dose of finals week, has managed to prevent posting this past month. But here we are, with a very special Mustache Monday. If you’re a returning reader, you may remember our mustache competition. This is the first of three special edition Mustache Mondays for the winners of the contest. And now back to our regularly scheduled mustache fun!

John Axford, well known baseball player.

John Axford, less known for his curious facial hair.

Of course, that’s not completely true. He’s pretty well known for the mustache as well. This chap was given the Mustached American award for 2011, despite the fact that he is actually Canadian. Where to start, where to start? This mustache deserves an award, nay, a medal, if only for its impressive symmetry. We would hazard a guess that achieving this sort of balance is a task requiring great skill. Regardless, this mustache was an ill-advised choice, as it resembles nothing so much as two chipmunk tails curled about his upper lip.

John Axford, the seventh man in our quest to find a decent mustache. Let’s see how he ranked:

Size: 2/5

Originality: 3/5

Style: 1/5

Overall: 6/15

If we were in charge of the American Mustache Institute, someone else would have been named Mustached American of the Year. We’re just not sure who that someone would be.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

"It's like having a pet for your face!"

Mustache Monday: An Off Week

Between Becca's car breaking down and Kelley being home through this evening, we didn't have much time to write a Mustache Monday post. Please accept this comical mustache-related picture as our sincere apology. Also, know that there is a pretty special guest-blogger working on a piece for us, and it will more than make up for this hiccup!

Mustache Monday: No Shave November

Let's take a minute to pay tribute to the phenomenon known as No Shave November.

*silence as we pay tribute*

Ok, now that we have done that, let's explore:

What is No Shave November? Mass agreement on the part of men everywhere to refrain from using their razors for the entire calendar month of November, generally resulting in hobo beards.

Benefits:

• We get to see who the real men are, meaning men who can grow a full beard.

• The month of November takes less effort on the part of men compared to other months since they don't have to wake up early to shave their faces.

• Scruff can be nice. We are big believers in the 5 o'clock shadow.

Atrocities:

• Men look like creepers. When their beard hair gets too long, regular nice men become indistinguishable from the creepers, so don't be surprised if women avoid you during this month. We are trying to protect ourselves (see: The 4 Steps to Saying No to a Creeper and/or Stalker).

• General unkemptness.

• Food gets caught in the beards towards the end of the month. Considering Thanksgiving, this is a problem, though I'm not sure the men agree.

We are no advocating for or against No Shave November, but for a thoughtful analysis of the situation. Weigh the facts. Toggle with the opinions. Embrace the conundrum. And let us know what you think!

We will say this: It could result in some pretty great mustaches!

Cheers,
Becca and Kelley

I'm shaving it for later...

Mustache Monday: Hulk Hogan

Hulk Hogan, known as a WWF wrestler and TV personality.

Hulk Hogan, also infamous for his ridiculous facial hair.

Talk about a handlebar mustache! Pretty much the only good thing to be said about this 'stache is that it is very symmetrical. Otherwise it just looks like he forgot how to grow a beard. Usually there is supposed to be some hair on the chin too, Mr. Hogan! I mean, this is a great technique if he was trying to show off his chin, but we doubt that was his motive. He could name a signature wrestling move after this baby: Handlebar Hulk.

Hulk Hogan, the sixth man in our quest to find a decent mustache. Let's see how he ranked:

Size: 4/5
Style: 1/5
Originality: 3/5
Overall: Out of a possible 15, Hogan scored a middle-of-the-road 8 points.

Hopefully we never see one like this in real life 'cause it's just downright creepy!

Cheers,
Becca and Kelley

"You can tell he's creepy 'cause he's got long hair" -a friend. 

Update: Mustache Monday Contest Winners

Thank you all for your participation in our very first Purity, not Puritanism contest! We had many impressive entries for our Mustache Monday competition last week, but could only have 3 winners. Congratulations to Storm*, Lindsey, and Kaitlyn! The three of you can message either Kelley or I on facebook with your top choice for a Mustache Monday contender.

The correct answers were: John Avery Whitaker, King Triton, Mr. James Pringle, Snidley Whiplash, Jafar, Captain Hook, and Cogsworth.

Cheers,
Becca and Kelley

*Storm's computer did not let her post her answers, but Becca supervised her attempting to submit her answers, all of which were 100% correct. 

Mustache Monday: Caravaggio

Caravaggio, well known as an Italian artist of old.

Caravaggio, less known for his expansive facial growth.

Can we talk about the eyebrows? Granted, this is a self portrait, so maybe he just had a flawed mirror, but they loop all the way down to the level of his ear! We don't know whether to be impressed or depressed by this train wreck. Who knew there could be something worse than the unibrow in the way of eyebrow grooming? But let's take the eyebrows off the table for a moment. After all, this is MUSTACHE Monday. The mustache itself isn't terrible, except that it perpetuates his "I'm a moody artist" look. It actually has a nice shape to it, and is trimmed nicely. The mustache could be compared to a friendly, fuzzy caterpillar hanging out on his upper lip. That's cool, right? It also provides a parallel between the eyebrows and the 'stache. (We know, we said we wouldn't go there, but it was inevitable).

Caravaggio, the fifth man in our search for a decent mustache. Let's see how he fared:

Size: 2/5
Originality: 2/5
Style: 3/5
Out of a possible 15, Caravaggio scored a mere 7. Not too impressive.

It's a good thing we weren't evaluating the eyebrows!

Cheers,
Becca and Kelley

I mustache you a question...

Mustache Monday: Cartoon Characters

Can You Name Cartoon Characters With Mustaches?

We bring you, on this crisp fall day, a quiz! The stakes are high, as the first 3 correct commentors to identify all 7 of the pictures will get the chance to nominate a future contender for Mustache Monday.

Rules:
-You must identify all 7 mustache owners correctly. We will only post the comments once the first 3 people respond correctly so others cannot cheat off your answers.
- All submissions must be turned in by Sunday, the 23rd to receive consideration.
- If you win, the person you suggest for Mustache Monday must be a public figure and must be REAL. Also, they must have a mustache.

Let the games begin!!

1.

2.



3.


4.


5.


6.


7.

Happy guessing!

Cheers,
Becca and Kelley

"It's a pub quiz! Using your mobile is cheating!"

Mustache Monday: Ambrose Burnside

Ambrose Burnside, famous for killing lots of people in the Civil War.

Ambrose Burnside, probably equally famous for his ridiculous facial hair.

We assume Mr. Burnside was a hunter because it looks like he attached his kills to his face. It’s very impressive how his mustache runs into his actual hair. Or maybe he is just trying to make up for the lack of actual hair with the overabundance of ‘stache. He should just shave it off so he can fashion it into a stylish toupee. He would need quite the mustache cup to keep this growth from getting into his tea (if you don’t know what a mustache cup is, look it up…every mustache enthusiast should know about it.) We believe this is where the author of batman came up with the idea for the bat signal, both because of the shape and the size. We mean really, you could see this thing from outer space.

Ambrose Burnside, fourth man in our quest to find a decent mustache. Let’s see how he ranked:

Size: 5/5

Originality: 3/5

Style: 0/5

Out of a possible 15, Burnside scored 8 points. Clearly not a winner, but not quite a loser either.

We give him props for confidence.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

Side Note: Sideburns were named after this man. Cool, right?

Mustache Monday: Paul Grotelueschen

This week, we had the rare opportunity to interview a fellow Trinity-goer, Paul Grotelueschen, about his illustrious mustache. His facial hair is revered on campus, and makes Paul a sought after attendee at school events because of the automatic class added by his luxurious 'stache. Read on, and be amazed. 

Purity, Not Puritanism (PNP): What prompted you grow a mustache?                       

Paul Grotelueschen (PG): I’ve always wanted one, and finally was able to grow one. So I did, kinda. That was really it. And it’s something different, too. In high school I grew out a mullet. I didn’t cut my hair for 2 years, then when I did I kept a rat tail. The mustache is the next stage in my seeking to do something different.

PNP: There’s a rumor that you use hair-enhancing drugs (specifically Rogaine) on your mustache. Can you confirm or deny this rumor?

PG: I deny this, actually. I have never used any hair growth products.

PNP: Have you ever dyed it?

PG: I have dyed it twice -- jet black both times. Also, the mustache wax I use is colored so it gives it a bit darker tint that it’s actual unadulterated state.

PNP: Does it help with the ladies?

PG: Well, for the 50 and older group, yes. I have received infinite comments on my mustache from that demographic. But my girlfriend likes it, so whatever works for her.

PNP: Who is your mustache hero?

PG: This mustache is pretty much modeled after the Agatha Christie character, Hercule Poirot. I am also a big fan of Aaron Rogers’ handlebar mustache.

PNP: What is your idealized mustache, or what shape do you hope to achieve with your ‘stache?

PG: With this mustache, my goal is Rollie Fingers. That’s when the mustache curls a full circle on the ends.

Seems like Paul is close to reaching his goal. We commend him for his mustache boldness. Press on, good Christian soldier. Press on. 

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

"I understand facial hair, but when it becomes an art..."

Mustache Monday: George Clooney

George Clooney, famous for a myriad of things (for example: ER, Ocean's Eleven-Thirteen, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?)

George Clooney, less famous for sporting this mustache.

When looking at this photo, both of our thoughts were, "That mustache is decent..." This is a great refreshment after the last few weeks. We were a little discouraged by LaBeouf's molestache. But hail! A silver fox proudly embracing his salt and pepper stache. The hair is evenly trimmed and the mustache is well defined. The ratio of eyebrow to 'stache to mane is very well balanced. While a little long for our taste, Mr. Clooney is allowed some wiggle room because of the overall grandeur of this facial hair.

George Clooney, the third contender in the quest for the perfect mustache. Let's see how he ranked:

Originality: 3/5

Size: 4/5

Style: 4/5

Overall: Out of a possible 15, Clooney scored an impressive 11.

We do not think we have found the perfect mustache, but we are getting closer.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley

"If we kiss fire, we'll burn our mustaches off!"

Mustache Monday: Shia Labeouf

Shia Labeouf, famous for Even Stevens, Transformers, and Disturbia.

Shia Labeouf, about to become infamous for the above picture.

Can we agree that it looks like a 3 year old took finger paint to his face? Emphatic yes. He may be trying to create artistic symmetry by mirroring the shape of his mustache with the ovalness of his mouth in this picture, but we're not buying it! The hair on Mr. Labeouf's mustache grows way past the corners of his mouth -- a big no-no in mustache etiquette -- and then connects with the chin growth, which we frown upon. The split of his mustache is clearly off center. Talk about distutrbia!! [Insert walrus joke]. And although it has nothing to do with his mustache, the expression on his face in this picture makes us fear for his sanity.

Shia Labeouf, the second contender in our quest to find a decent mustache. Let's see how he ranked:

Originality: 2/5
Size: 4/5
Style: 0/5
Overall: Out of a possible 15, Labeouf scored a shockingly impressive 6 (only because of the size).

And another failed attempt.

Cheers,
Becca and Kelley

Thanks to our good pals Arielle Trantham and Caleb Moore for their help this week.

Mustache Monday: Cary Elwes

Cary Elwes, famous for playing Westley in The Princess Bride and Robin Hood in Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

Cary Elwes, less famous for his rubbish mustache.

There are so many things wrong with this facial hair...we don't even know if you can call it hair; more like a growth. He should be arrested for cruelty to animals. Since when have toupees for faces been widely marketed? And paired with that mutated offspring of a goatee and a beard, we begin to question Elwes' sanity and the quality of his mirror. And razor. Since he's clearly on set, perhaps we should cut him some slack, but his agent deserves to be sacked. Promptly. For his next birthday, we plan to send him a tasteful nose hair trimmer, since the growth seems to be originating there. Shudder.

Cary Elwes, the first contender in our quest to find a man with a decent mustache. Let's see how he ranked:

Originality--2/5

Size--2/5

Style--2/5

Overall--out of a possible 15, Elwes scored a mere 6.

This doesn't look promising, but it will be entertaining.

Cheers,

Becca and Kelley